another blur/ Absolutely Beautiful?

The past 14 years have been a blur. The kind similar to the moment you reach your destination, and have no idea how you just got there. I’ve been on auto-pilot to some degree. Wake up. Make a tea. Fill my soul with scripture. Shower. Get ready for the day. Eat. Get the rest of my family up. Ensure breakfast is eaten, lunches are packed. Say hi & bye to my love. School drop off. Head to work. Head home. School pick up. Insist on homework being done. Schedule study times and meal plans. Make shoppping lists. Shop for items on shopping list. Prepare for next church meeting. Attend such church meeting. Stay in touch with friends near by. Stay in touch with friends far away. Reply to messages. Send messages. Fold laundry. Go for a walk. Cook dinner. Prepare lunches for next day. Catch up with husband once daughter is asleep. Watch series. Fall asleep watching series. Brush my teeth in half awake state. Head to bed. Repeat.

And for most of the last 14 years this routine, these daily mun-dane things have added joy, friendship, inspiration, purpose and richness to my life.

And yet, as I have taken a moment to sit here on my front steps, to eat my first actually healthy meal in a week, on my own, I suddenly made the decision to see, to really see what I was putting in my mouth. I decided to taste, and really taste what I was eating. I chose to look at the colours of the rocket, beetroot, feta and roast butternut salad, and to enjoy these flavours I love so much. I decided to feel the pleasure of my precious dog Coco, sitting beside me. I decided to breathe in and breathe out, and actually feel the benefit to my body. I decided to be fully present in the moment, to enjoy it, savour it, and live it.

And thats when it hit me that the last 14 years have been a blur. A good blur, but a blurry blur none-the-less. It hit me that living in survivial mode after trauma does not need to be my reality anymore. It struck me how much I like to please people, and to be liked by people, to the detriment of my own happiness. It suddenly dawned on me how much I want to be in the know and be inclulded – and when I’m not, I feel disappointed. It clouded my head how much living in survivial, pleasing others, being liked by others, being included and feeling needed have in some ways consumed me and made life a blur.

Consumed my thoughts….I must do. If I only I.

Consumed my heart….I will be loved if. I must try harder.

Consumed my physical being…..scrolling social media. Keeping up with others.

Consumed my dreams…..I better. If I just make it. Ah thats never gonna happen.

Consumed my desires…..Why do I never. What shall I do to be part of?

Consumed my soul….believing the lies of the enemy.

And here I sit. Fully present in the moment. Looking out at the beautiful view I have from my home listening to the rain pitter patter on the roof, and I have a choice:

Let 2025 be another blur.

OR

Let 2025 be absolutely beautiful.

I am choosing ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!
I am choosing conversations at inconvenient times of the day.
I am choosing reading novels at night before going to bed and awakening my imagination again.
I am choosing waking up to new mornings with purpose, continued joy and fresh eyes to see the beauty in every big and little thing I do.
I am choosing the Word of God to be my standard and to believe what He says about me.
I am choosing to pursue dreams.
I am choosing Hope.
I am choosing to come alive and thrive!!

What will you choose for 2025??