Sadly happy

My husband has had a busy traveling schedule this month and a highlight for him was being able to spend an evening with his sister and her husband just outside of Cape Town, as business took him there for a training day. It was such an honour and blessing for him to meet their twins, a boy and girl, named Struan and Emma who are just two months old.

Then yesterday, 16th August my own brother and his wife welcomed their second born, a son, into the world!
What a special moment, and what a privilege to be an Aunty again!

The only thing is that it flooded back the memories of all that I’ve lost due to our trauma 4 years ago. You see my pregnancy was awful…I spent more time in bed or in hospital than actually living day to day. I never had a baby shower to celebrate my new (and only) baby, I never went into labour, I had an emergency Caesar and we never had a camera to record the birth of our one and only child. I never felt radiant and glowing, I didn’t buy a new wardrobe of maternity clothes,in fact I lost weight during my
Pregnancy. I was never able to decorate my nursery or even bring my little girl home. I missed the first 6 weeks of her life as I was still hospitalized and I was never able to fulfill a dream of breast feeding my baby. I wasn’t able to cuddle her or hold her close as a newborn, as my sternum was so tender from the open-heart surgery I had 5 days after she was born. I never saw her Merchonium filled nappies or gave her her first bath. I never realized that my infective endocarditis was causing mini strokes, and never knew how much damage it would cause. I never prepared for the heart-ache of realizing my daughter would never be a proud sister, and would never have that moment of meeting her new sibling.

But…..I will never forget the sounds she made when my husband brought her to hospital to visit me during those first 6 weeks as he placed her next to me on my bed….I will never forget that she smiled her first smile when both he and I were fussing over her on our couch when I was allowed a “day-pass” from my ward. I will never forget how small she was and how much she changed my world. I will never forget that I was not able to return to work and so I spent everyday of her first year with her. I will never forget the gracious hand of God, sparing my life and hers and somehow enabling us three to get to where we are today. I will never forget the day my baby shower was planned for and my ward in the hospital was packed with friends and family to see me. I will never forgot those who prayed for us and loved us and supported us. I will never forget JESUS-cos it’s all because of Him that I am alive. I will never forget that my husband NEVER left my side…loved me through it ALL…and promised to continue to do so!

There is so much I lost in what I had dreamed of being one of the happiest times of our lives, and I still live day to day with the damage and effect of the mini strokes on me, and of course the repercussions of a prosthetic heart valve, and yet When I look at what I have there is SO much to be grateful for! I have LIFE, I have a DAUGHTER, I have a HUSBAND. And that makes me sadly very happy!